Need love?

I’m not sure how this will get over to you, I might have writing it down all weird and wrong. I tried my best to get this feeling in to words, but honestly that can be quite hard sometimes.

A few months ago I kept telling myself, “Whenever I find a girl my life will get better. It’s going to be everything I’ve ever needed. ”

As if all of my problems would suddenly fade away, as if they could erase parts of my life that I didn’t like.
Of course it would probably make me happier, and it would solve the problems related to being alone, however, I do not need to date, or have a relationship I want to.

I’ve learned that for being me, I only need friends and family. A love relationship is something that I would really like, but it’s not like I can’t survive without it.
I’ll be honest, it’s not like I would like to be single for another couple years. Also it does suck sometimes to be one of the friends who will always go to parties by myself, get home by myself, eat dinner by myself and go to bed by myself, as to others who won’t be alone in most of these things. But then again, I do not need a women. I can do all of these things by myself, no problem. I can be happy by myself, no problem.

I just need to see it, I just needed to realize that being single is okay, that being single doesn’t define who I am, just like being in a relationship wouldn’t change who I am, or my self-worth. The way i view the world is what defines me, and my self-worth.

I guess what I meant to say is: Society is basically making people think they need a significant other, even though they don’t actually need that. You get pushed in to dating sites and blind dates and what not, because people think you can’t be happy without someone. Or just because that’s what they’ve learned as well..
Well I’m telling you now, my happy isn’t defined by who and if I’m dating, it’s defined by the way I live my life.

This all is not to say that I don’t want a relationship, or that I don’t think it sucks to be single sometimes, because I do, for sure! What I’m saying is, I can be happy without it. it’s something that will come, when the time is right, and till then, I can be perfectly happy without.

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dating apps

You feel lonely, all of your friends have got a significant other to hang out with. You feel like you don’t belong in with any of them anymore. So when your friends tell you to sign up for tinder, you do so. Just to see what happens.

At first you swipe at any moment, eventually you’ll learn that a friend of yours has got way more matches. So you feel lonely again, you ask yourself, why don’t people like me?
Instead of breaking the chain, you’ll make it worse. you sign up for both “her” and “okcupid”. which evidently is exactly the same as tinder and so the issues continue.

 

Still the image of finding a girlfriend remains in your head. You hate the apps, but at the same time it might help you meet the one girl you’ll need. So you keep on swiping, even though every time you do have a match you don’t dare sending them a message. You’ll feel like it makes your changes a little bit bigger.
At the same time, it makes you feel even more desperate, because even with these apps you’re not finding anyone who’d like date you, or even hang out with you.

I must admit that yeah, sure it’s possible to find your significant other with one of these apps, but I don’t like how it makes people think. living in to this smartphone time is awesome, a lot of the times. It also sucks some times.
This was just a random sketch, Doesn’t mean I didn’t sign up for all of those apps. I even think I’m probably not going to remove the apps either. At the same time, I don’t think the apps are for me… Call me old fashioned, or tell me my standards are to high, I really don’t care what you say. To me one of those apps, is not the way I’d like to meet someone. I guess I’d just like to meet someone the “natural” way. Like notice if there is this thing between the two of you, before you know everything about each other.

Well do with this info whatever you want to..

So this is another one of the posts, I did not plan at all. It could be all over the place. I apologize in advance

I’m going to talk a little bit about the internet, or most specificly about getting in contact with people that you don’t know, on the internet.

The other day, someone messaged me on facebook. I couldn’t really remember if I had met her somewhere, but her message was “hi there, nice picture. Do you like women?”. I got really confused at first.

How did this person end up on my page, knowing I liked women. Not that I’m secretif about it or anything. But as far as I know, it’s not something you see when looking at my facebook page. So I was a bit hesitant to answer. When I finally did answer, it had more to do with the fact that I felt obligated to do so. Because I am a single lesbian, and she didn’t say anything bad, so why not.

I had a bit of a conversation, nothing bad, kinda nice. Just a bit of a strange story, looking for her friend, found my page by accident. Sending me the same picture of her friend multiple times. Of course it could very well be a nice girl, searching for a girlfriend for her best friend. But when she asked me if I wanted to have contact with this girl. my impuls was to say no.

That’s not because I think this girl isn’t nice, or cute in anyway. It’s not because I think she is lying. It’s more because it felt strange to me. someone just adding me expecting me to want to have contact with her. So a few days go by, and eventually the conversation goes from just a nice “I like your hair” kinda thing into “what’s the thing you like most when having sex”. At that point I get really annoyed by this person.

So I of course unfriended her. Problem solved right? and it is.. solved.

But the thing that wouldn’t let me go is, how I felt like I had to answer. How I felt like being single and wanting a girlfriend makes me obligated to do anything possible to get a girlfriend. Like if I wouldn’t have answered i would have taken away my right to be sad about being single sometimes. Because maybe this girl could’ve been it.

I should be either answering because I want to, or not answer because I don’t want to. I know that now.

So that was me rambling about this thing.. it’s not even that interesting probably.. and it’s no big deal ofcourse, it was just something on my mind.

merry Christmas and stuff…

 

gay Christmas

So it’s almost Christmas! yaay. I really enjoy Christmas a lot, because I’m a family person. I think family is very important, I like sitting around the table with everyone, eating delicious food and just chatting and stuff. In dutch the word would be “gezellig” only there is no real translation in to English for that word..  So lets just say I enjoy sharing, being together etc. So that’s fun, really looking forward to that I guess.

Before Christmas gets here though, I’m going to a gay bar tonight. Its the first time ever going to a  gay bar, so I’m really quite excited to be honest. It’s really lame, but can’t help it. I live in quite a small town, so there’s not much of that kind to do here, which means you always have to get to a bigger town. luckily I’ve managed to get my dad to come and pick us up, very glad with him :).

I’ve been to gay party’s before, those are really nice. I get the question “what makes it so much better then?” or “What makes it different from all of the other party’s or bars you go to”. There is a really simple way to explain this. Basically what makes it so much different, and not necessarily better, but more comfortable for me to attend, is that people assume you’re gay as oppose to assuming you’re straight. So even though assuming I’m straight isn’t wrong, or bad in any way, it’s refreshing to have people assume you’re gay.
It’s the fact that you aren’t different, you’re the norm.. or something..

Also, it’s just a lot easier, whenever I where to meet a girl there, I can just ask weather or not she is there because she is gay. as appose to having to find out trough other conversations and stuff because you don’t dare asking someone who is probably straight weather or not she is gay.

I guess that everything I’ve written here was just a mumble again.. I mean like, I basically wrote what was on my mind again.. I will try to make a more structural post again soon, but still working on a topic, so any ideas are more then welcome 😉

For now, have a very merry Christmas! Hope you can celebrate with your family!

Coming out day

Hi everyone.

So.. I wrote all of this already once before.. though something went wrong and I lost it all… So I have to start all over. It might not be as big of a post as I was anticipating in the first place.

I wanted to do a post for coming out day, a friend of mine mentioned that was today. I know I’m a bit late.. I do however think it’s really important. You can view my coming out story here.

For this post I’ve asked my parents some questions about my coming out. So let’s get on with it, right?

  1. Did you see it coming, where you surprised?
    Mom: I didn’t see it coming, yet I wasn’t surprised either. Why would I? Everyone should just be able to be who they are right?
    Dad: wasn’t surprised either. it was similar to the first time you had sex. We kinda knew already, yet didn’t expect it at all.
    M: it all fell into place, I can’t explain what fell into place though. I have to be honest, When you had a best friend in primary school. It has crossed my mind that you could be a really cute lesbian couple together.
  2. What went trough your mind when I told you I was gay?
    M: It felt right I guess. It suits you
    D: I didn’t quite understand why it was that difficult to you to tell us. It really wasn’t that big of a deal for us. I do get it a bit more now though.
    M: It did feel like it was a much bigger deal to you then it was to us.
  3. Do you remember how I told you?
    M: Yes, I still remember in which chair you where seated.
    D: I remember you told us “I need to tell you something”
    M: You said “you know how you’ve been teasing me all day about liking a boy? well.. I do like someone, it’s not a boy though, it’s a girl”
    D: you where relieved when you told us, happy you could talk about it
  4. Do you see the lgbtq+ comunity a bit different now?
    M: I’m more critical about what others say about the lgbtq comunity. Like today at work someone told be about a movie they had watched. Something about a lesbian girl coming out at 18. They said there was quite a lot of sex in the movie, and they felt uncomfortable. At first I would have not even thought about it, but now I actually asked them “would you think the same if it where man and women having sex?”. So I guess I question things more. Because that’s what you do to me.
    D: I was quite shocked at how many people do not accept it yet. You’ve told me about friends who where kicked out because they where gay or trans. Since we find it such a normal thing, it’s odd noticing not everyone thinks of it that way. It was never this close.
    M: I thought I was quite involved in the community, because I do have gay friends. Yet it’s a lot different when it’s your own daughter.

 

I really liked asking these questions to my parents. It started a conversation about my coming out. We are very open about my sexuality, yet we never really talked through how they experienced me coming out of the closet. So I thought it was very interesting listening to them for a change.

hope you liked this. Have a nice coming out day, and remember. Coming out of the closet is totally okay, it really feels amazing, but you should only come out if it’s safe for you to do so!

Gender stigma

So… this is going to be another post just from the mind.. No planning for this one.. Just writing whatever is on my mind. I’m sorry if this one doesn’t make any sense at all, or if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. I probably am not going to read it before posting. So.. here it goes..

There’s been a lot on my mind lately. In the Netherlands there has been a shop called HEMA which removed all the gender labels in the children clothing’s. It’s because of this whole gender neutral discussion. I personally hate this whole discussion, I can’t stand how ignorant some people are.

Like I get the people who are in the middle.. I get it, some of the things just go a bit to far.. and frankly, I don’t blame them for wanting to put a stop to it. BUT there is a difference in thinking things are going a bit to far, and being ignorant.

There are lots of people, who honestly believe we shouldn’t change anything at all, because we would change for the minority, and that is wrong. I hate that comment so, so much. Minority or not, they are still people with feelings.. people with the same rights as you do. What harm can it do to change somethings?

In my mind we shouldn’t have to try so hard to change things like gender labels, or the bathrooms or anything like that, I think we should change the way people think about the whole gender thing. I think people put way to much weight on being a girl or a boy. To much weight on buying clothing’s which match there gender. If you identify as male and want to wear female clothing’s, go a head, rock them. and just the same the other way around. Why not? If the whole stigma about it would just fade away?

So educate people. Make them realize it’s okay to be different, it’s okay to wear mans cloths when being a women, and it’s okay to wear nail polish being a man.

okay that’s me ranting about things I guess.. just needed that for a little bit. Just had to get it out of my mind.. Nothing special I guess..